Grief & Forgiveness for the Daddy’s Little Girl That Never Was

My father died and I never told him I forgive him.  The feelings of forgiveness took a long time to come to me and I was still wrestling with anger and hurt before I finally acknowledged the forgiveness that eventually came.  But, he died before I could ever tell him so.

I had a tumultuous relationship with my father.  It wasn’t a daddy’s little girl type of upbringing.  I used to long for the day that I wouldn’t have to deal with him in my life and, by choice, I cut communication with my father as I got older.  His influence remained with me as much as I tried to run from it.   Feelings of anger, rage, and abandonment rose up in me whenever I spoke of him.  Later, it turned to indifference, which I described as being “over it”.  I told myself and everyone else I was “over” all that happened in the past and in a place to move forward.  I had a husband and children to raise and I needed to find all the love in me to give to them. 

My being “over it” was just a mask; a mask of the pain that I never truly dealt with.  A few years ago, circumstances brought my father back into my life in a way as he started changing.  He began forgetting things and not being himself.  He physically aged considerably and his mental capacity diminished.  I was actually mad at that too.  Mad that he could become so decrepit and confused that he’d forgotten all that he put me through.  Where’s the fairness in that?  I had a few interactions with him during that time and my emotions were still mixed with anger, hurt and then the indifference.  Again, I got “over it”. 

My father died this year at the age of 61.  His passing confused me initially.  Then it hurt me.  The floodgates opened and I felt the pain of the past and the pain of the present.  I felt the pain of the little girl who longed for a daddy and the anger of a woman who felt robbed by whom she had to claim as a father.  I felt the pain of the present, grieving for what was and wasn’t.  I felt the pain in realizing that he no longer exists in the physical world and I never got to tell him that I truly do forgive him. 

For all that he was, his presence in my life was done the best he knew how.  For all that he wasn’t, our interactions brought me to who I am today.  As God’s vessel, he brought me into this world and I stand before all today a product of him.  My father wasn’t the best, but I do forgive who he was at his worst.  And I now must forgive myself for holding on to the anger and hurt for so long that I never got the chance to heal with him. 

Click here to check out I Am My Sister's Keeper by Stephania.

Stephania Vereen a BOND guest blogger, is a former Educator now turned Freelance Writer/editor, Author and Speaker. She wrote and self-published the book Letters to Words and operates the Word of Mouth Today blog where she shares her experiences about people, places and things she likes and thinks others would appreciate as well.

Blog: http://wordofmouthtoday.com/

Connect: http://about.me/stephaniavereen

Am I My Sister’s Keeper?

“I mostly have guy friends, I don’t get along with females like that!”  How often have you heard that sentiment from another woman, or even expressed it yourself?  One thing we can say for sure is that women can be drama.  We are emotional creatures who react to situations based on their effects on our feelings before anything else.  We connect with others mainly based on how they make us feel and we use our feelings to guide us.  We are intuitive, we are sensitive…and yes, we can bring the drama if you ask for it!

But with that drama comes a strong sense of loyalty.  The support that you get from a woman is unwavering, strength invoking, pushes you past your own limits, and nurturing all at the same time.  Why wouldn’t we want to surround ourselves with women who are positive and who uplift us?  Why wouldn’t we want sisters in our corner who can move mountains just by their collective spirit of believing in a cause?  Why wouldn’t we want the bond of the fiercest group of protectors on the planet? 

We tend to take for granted the positive impact our female influences have on us.  Sometimes, we just fall into believing the hype of all the negative stereotypes rotating about “catty” groups of females.  Truth be told, the bond of sisterhood is integral to our well being more than we realize. 

I once found myself on the end of claiming that females are too much drama to surrounded by.  As I grow older, I find that I don’t have to attach to the dramatic group.  I found that I need the unspoken understandings and fierce strength of like-minded women.  The positive and motivational interactions I’m cultivating in my current bonds with fellow women are pushing me to be a better woman myself.   We hold each other accountable, we’re there to cry and vent to each other without judgment, and we’re there to give that strong dose of reality when it is needed not when just wanted.

Yes, I am my sister’s keeper… I keep her sane, I keep her strong, I keep her real.  And she is mine!

Stephania Vereen a BOND guest blogger, is a former Educator now turned Freelance Writer/editor, Author and Speaker. She wrote and self-published the book Letters to Words and operates the Word of Mouth Today blog where she shares her experiences about people, places and things she likes and thinks others would appreciate as well.

Blog: http://wordofmouthtoday.com/

Connect: http://about.me/stephaniavereen

This Week's Spotlight Stephania Vereen~ “Something Like a Phenomenon”

Photo taken by Saddi Khali
 http://www.saddikhaliphoto.com/

Stephania Vereen has a way with words.  She has used her verbal prowess in many capacities and the impact has always been the same, to help people.  For the many accomplishments Stephania has set for herself, and in helping others with their own, it is difficult to pinpoint just one.  In addition to freelance writing and authoring the recently published Letters To Words, a collection of personal poetry and essay experiences; Stephania has been a highly sought after educator, career advisor, and youth counselor at a treatment center and group home for troubled, abused and neglected girls.  She also dedicates her time to helping others through volunteering with various local organizations, specifically those that cater to youth. Through all of her actions, Stephania Vereen has enabled a large number of people to see the possibilities the world has to offer them, no matter the roadblocks or setbacks they may have experienced. 

My Greatest Accomplishment to Date Has Been:

Ultimately, my greatest accomplishment has been my children.  I’ve learned so much about my own strength and patience through trying to create a well-rounded environment for them.  I can’t deny the fact that my experience birthing and raising my children has set me up to achieve every goal I set for myself in order to provide a direct example for them.   The ability to break-through and change lives is one that is divinely ordained, and in tapping into that gift, I have come to understand my purpose in life. My time as a youth counselor and educator allowed me to realize an extension of my responsibility in raising my own children to helping raise the children of others.  As a youth counselor, I worked hard with abused and neglected girls to show them that the life they have known is not one that defines them.  As a classroom teacher, I kept a constant reminder asking myself “Am I the teacher I would want my children to have”.  Finding ways to reach our future and in whatever way, help guide them and push them further than they have imagined, has been my absolute greatest accomplishment.

The Most Challenging Thing I Ever Experienced:

Learning how to forgive and let go of a lot of hurt and anger from my past, which took me on a spiritual and emotional journey that even disabled me many times. I don’t think people realize how prevalent various forms of abuse exist in our households.  I had to learn to acknowledge and release the pain from the abuse I witnessed and experienced growing up.  I had to learn to recognize my own maladaptive coping skills and try to understand how to heal.  I have learned to be able to forgive and am slowly learning how to forget.

My Most Valuable Lesson: 

My most valuable lesson has been the lesson of faith! I have always had the notion of faith, but never knew what it really meant to live in faith and to surrender to God. In dealing with my biggest challenge of forgiveness, I was forced to go through a journey of finding my faith. I began to learn how to live not just with faith, but to let go through faith!

Final Remarks: 

Through my willingness and openness to share my triumphs and trials, I have found the gift to connect at the very core with others.  It’s through these connections that I find myself driven to tell everyone’s story.  I write to help others find their voice, I write to express my own voice and hope to show others that they are not alone, I write to motivate, I write to inspire.   

For more information visit www.stephaniavereen.com or email her at stephania810@gmail.com

BOND Inc Spotlight features ordinary African American women from all over who are doing extra-ordinary things.  If you or anyone you know would like to be featured, send a request for more information to iambondinc@gmail.com.